Sunday, December 18

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL

Here's how to ruin Mission Impossible.  See it at one of a few dozen participating (authentic) IMAX theaters and you get to see the opening scene of next summer's The Dark Knight Rises with deafening sound and a towering screen, the way Batman intended.  Once you've had a taste, the long-dormant bat-fever in your system will overtake your senses and leave you bored to tears during the two plus hours of bland movie you paid for.

~ When Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg escape the Kremlin, Pegg vanishes so we can just watch Cruise's solo escape.  I guess audiences really don't want to see Simon Pegg do any running.

~ Paula Patton's heaving decolletage was meant to be seen seven stories tall.

~ Simon Pegg got promoted?  Why are our intelligence agencies hiring foreigners?  Did you you guys even give him a citizenship test?

~ 95% of Tom Wilkinson's scene is in the trailer.

~ There is a cameo from the only person I wanted to see in this film.  You're the world's greatest detective, you figure it out.

~ Tom Cruise is completely unflappable in this movie, but it's mostly played serious.  "The world is in great danger and there's only 100% chance that I can effortlessly handle it!"  I don't even think he ever raises his voice.

~ The city of San Francisco enjoys a brief cameo, most likely because hometown legends Industrial Light & Magic handled the visual effects.

~ This is director Brad Bird's fist live action film.  Once he became the undisputed king of animation directors (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, classic Simpsons episodes) I guess this was next step.  So wait a minute...  We just lost one of the greatest living animation directors and gained another mediocre action director?  We got screwed!

~ The stunt work on the Burj Khalifia is stupefying.  But just like in Tower Heist, where I couldn't believe that you could dangle a car out of the window of a high rise during the thanksgiving day parade with out noticing, I don't believe here that a man could run around the outside of the world's tallest building without anyone noticing.  I mean, come on.  It's the world's tallest building!  People are gonna be looking at it!

~ It might be the world's tallest building but that doesn't mean they're gonna pay a whole bunch of extras to stand around.  I don't remember seeing anyone else in those scenes other than the team and their target.  I think there were some guys standing around in front when they arrive/depart.

~ Tom Cruise always escapes these impossible situations and then just meets up with his team later.  But some times they were with him before he escaped.  So how did they escape?  Are they as awesome as he is?  Can we see that?

~ Tom Cruise in an unstoppable ass-kicking machine who doesn't shed a drop of blood or even sweat.  But he spends a couple scenes chasing and failing to catch a middle aged Swedish physics professor.  Man those swedes are tough.

~ These movies keep getting worse, gradually, like a frog in slowly warming water who never releases he's boiling until it's too late.

~ The English language remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo opens soon, but you can catch the original Swedish stars in new American blockbusters.  Michael Nyqvist plays the villain here and Noomi Rapace is in Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shit.

~ Some other lady cameos too.

~ Anil Kapoor is a huge star in India, but here he's probably only known as the host from Slumdog Millionaire.  He enjoys a lengthy cameo as a lecherous tycoon.

~ The ending is also stupid.

1 comment:

  1. Paragraph 9 - first is mispelled
    -add "his" or "the" after "was"

    Paragraph 10- capitalize thanksgiving day parade

    Paragraph 13- capitalize swedes

    Paragraph 14- releases should be "realizes"

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