PROMETHEUS

In Space, God Will Punch You

Aliens is one of those movies that people talk about, alongside The Godfather Part II, The Empire Strikes Back and The Dark Knight, as a rare example of a sequel that surpasses the original film.  Well if the Alien franchise got so lucky the first time, it made up for that with everything since.  Alien 3 was famously over-budget and underwhelming, Alien: Resurrection proves you shouldn't let French people or Winona Ryder anywhere near venerable horror-sci-fi franchises, and the less said about the Aliens VS Predator films the better.  The series already went off the deep end with clones and mash-ups, and although other series like Friday the 13th and Leprechaun have the option of sending the monster into space for later entries, they don't have that luxury here.  Going back in time is not usually the strongest move for a long dormant franchise so how about a prequel!  Even a shitty movie couldn't do much damage to the franchise at this point, and it's important to note that, because this is a shitty movie.

MEN IN BLACK 3

Barry Sonnenfeld started his career as a director with the early 90's nostalgia fest adaptation of The Addams Family, which was much better than anyone expected, turning what could have been a enjoyably nutty one-off into a mini-franchise.  Any other quirky, kooky, one-offs he directed that accidentally turned into franchises?  Well...  it depends whether or not you count Get Shorty.   But more obviously, I'm talking about Men In Black, the 1997 film adaptation of an obscure (and mostly different) comic that spawned four years of an animated series, a sequel that almost killed the franchise, three video games, two rap singles, and a theme park ride.  And now another sequel with 3-D and time travel!  Nod ya head!

LOCKOUT

This movie is a missed opportunity, a blown chance to craft a throwback 80's style action flick.  Guy Pearce is overdue for a starring role like this, and he fully commits himself to the schlocky premise and hammy one liners, but ultimately the movie somehow feels like less than the sum of its parts.  We have a cynical, sarcastic, reluctant hero (hell, he's not reluctant he's downright unwilling and openly hostile) framed for espionage and then recruited for a hopeless one-man-against-an-army mission to rescue the president's daughter (Maggie Grace) from a prisoner takeover at space jail.  This movie really should have been better.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

This film is a clever and inventive horror-comedy that inverts or examines many of the stereotypes of the genre while telling its own suitably demented tale of carnage and mystery.  It's hard to discuss much of the film without giving away its secrets and deflating some of the fun of surprise.  Would it be spoiling too much to say that it actually stars Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins and that its really funny?  That sounds confusing.  This is a horror film that humorously examines why exactly we want to watch horror films.  That sounds better.

PROJECT X

This is a found footage movie loosely based on a viral video of an unrepentant Australian teenager who threw a party so large that it destroyed most of his neighborhood.  The video is directly parodied at the end of the film, but the story is otherwise an original creation.  Three high school friends (a loudmouth, a weirdo, and a bland lead) throw a birthday party whilst the parents are out of town.  There is a pointless through plot about the lead either making a move on his long time female friend or on some random popular slutty chick, but otherwise the movie is almost plotless.  The film just alternates between slow motion party footage montages set to house music and random quick gags.  Most of the jokes are pretty lame, but at least there's no contrived pathos or pseudo-heartwarming 'gee I learned a lesson" ending.  Just pure stupid crap.

SAFE HOUSE

Bland but capable Ryan Reynolds is a CIA agent based in Cape Town South Africa who badly wants a promotion to another more glamorous assignment in another more glamorous city like Paris.  It's his lucky day!  Denzel Washington plays an infamous traitor (with the unlikely name of Tobin Frost) who turns himself in and gets water boarded by the T-1000 before mercenaries show up and start executing everybody.  Denzel Washington could play this part in his sleep and probably did.  On paper, the similarities to Training Day (boring vanilla lead pulled in over his head by morally gray Denzel) must have seemed like a surefire bet.  But in practice there are no quotable lines, no memorable events, and no chance at the Oscars.

JOHN CARTER

What if you crossed Dune with Indiana Jones and nobody came?  John Carter is an adaptation of one of the grandaddies of the sci-fi genre celebrating it's centenary this year.  A confederate veteran searching for gold stumbles across a cave with some crazy shit in it and next thing you know he's on Mars, which the locals call Barsoom.  Locals?  Giant, four-armed nomadic warriors called Tharks, as well as two warring futuristic cities of humanoid martians.  Carter gains super strength and agility and naturally finds himself caught up in epic planetary warfare.  Get your ass to Barsoom!  Seriously, it's a pretty good movie.

WANDERLUST

Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston play stressed out Manhattanites who ditch the Big Apple for suburban Atlanta which they promptly ditch for a hippie commune.  Are there hijinks?  The first thing they see when they arrive is a man carrying wineglasses, totally nude, wandering the woods at night.  So rest assured, there are plenty of hijinks.

ACT OF VALOR

This is an action movie about Navy Seals that stars real active duty Navy Seals instead of actors.  Navy Seals are as good at being in the Navy as they are bad at acting.  I think the writers of the film might have been plucked at random from another profession too.  The plot concerns Islamic terrorists teaming up with Latin American drug dealers to smuggle suicide bombers over the US-Mexican border.  If that story sounds like it was ripped form a Chuck Norris TV movie and would be at odds with the supposed realism of this film, yes.

THE GREY

Director Joe Carnahan re-teams with his The A-Team star Liam Neeson in this tale of men battling the elements; specifically battled are plane crashes, soul crushing misery, jerks, snow, heights, and wolves.  Neeson is a capable badass, delivering lines like "In about five seconds I'm gonna start beating the shit out of you" with steely resolve and appropriate menace, but the film ultimately fails him.  The direction is distracted/distracting, the threats are inconsistent and occasionally outright goofy, and before long I was hoping they would start eating each other because the damn wolves weren't doing it fast enough.

RED TAILS

We are not in this movie much.

This movie might become a staple of middle and high school history classes on rainy afternoons.  Who knows if the kids will enjoy it?  This is producer George Lucas's pet project over 20 years in the making, about the Tuskegee Airmen, the first black pilots in WWII who combated enemy troops and institutional racism.  It's nowhere near as good as the original Star Wars trilogy but it's nowhere near as bad as the new Star Wars trilogy, fitting somewhat comfortably in between those two extremes.  It's got a likeable ensemble cast, intentionally funny moments, unintentionally funny moments, exciting dogfights and enough corn to fill a silo.  Gee whiz!

HAYWIRE

Steven Soderbergh delivers unconventional movies even with conventional material.  Here is a punch-kick-punch movie about 'one last job' and 'who sold us out damn it!' but of course, since it's Soderbergh, there are unusual choices: fractured chronology, smooth jazz score and a non-actor as the lead.  Mixed Martial Arts star Gina Carano debuts admirably if not woodenly as an action star who looks much more credible beating people's asses than the average underfed Hollywood starlet.  Despite being called Haywire, the movie is unfortunately inert and somehow feels like less than the sum of its interesting but not altogether arresting parts.

THE ARTIST

If you like movies because they are a pleasant distraction then I'm not sure you'll like this movie.  If you loves movies because you love movies then you will love this movie.  That sounds familiar.  But it's true!  Make no mistake, this is a silent movie made in black and white by French people, so it's not exactly palatable to the average theater goer.  Well, fuck that guy.  He gets enough movies all year long.  This one is special.  Even with it's runaway success we're unlikely to see a renaissance of silent cinema so you better enjoy this one while you can, which will be damn easy because this film is a wonderfully charming melodramatic tribute to, well, artists I would say.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

After the credits starting rolling on this 2 hour 28 minute monstrosity, the gentleman behind me loudly proclaimed to his companion "man, fuck that shit."  Brevity is the soul of wit, after all, so I'm tempted to let that remark suffice, but I'm sure there is more I can say.  A movie can be boring but not stupid, and a movie can be stupid without being boring, but heaven help us when a movie is both.

THE MUPPETS

It's a miracle!  This film is hilarious and heart-warming.  Fuck computers, puppets ain't dead yet.  Many hallmarks of Muppet humor, like meta jokes, have become much more commonplace today, thanks to shows like Family Guy, which proudly features Muppet appearances in their cutaway gags.  I don't want to ruin any jokes, so just go see the film.

TOWER HEIST

Eddie Murphy is funny in this movie but no one else is; he gets laughs in almost all of his scenes and these are essentially the only laughs in the film.  He hovers around the periphery of the first half hour of the movie, threatening to beat Ben Stiller's ass for no reason, shouting to a woman (whilst he's being arrested) to get her teeth fixed up, and threatening to beat Ben Stiller's ass for no reason.  Bless his heart.  It's quite enjoyable, especially if you miss the old-school smooth-talking hustler persona of Eddie Murphy from such classics as 48 Hrs or Trading Places or Beverly Hills Cop or The Distinguished Gentleman or...  Man, Eddie was so funny.  He still is!  This proves it.  He just needs some better movies.

IN TIME

Imagine a world where you stop aging at 25.  That sounds great, but you also get a big green countdown clock in your arm and you have to use time as money; Poor people live day to day, and a single mistake could cost them their lives, whilst rich people luxuriate in gated communities and lavish casinos.  That sounds less great.  But alas, an evocative metaphor does not an entertaining feature make.

MONEYBALL

This is an atypical baseball movie.  For one thing, there's not very much baseball in it.  It's about using superior statistical analysis to build a better team.  But there's actually not a whole lot of statistics in the movie either.  It's more about the riskiness and culture clash that comes from attempting to reinvent the game.  One of the best scenes is just Brad Pitt and some old dude arguing 'politely' in a hallway, with unbearable and hateful tension bubbling to the surface so palpably that the viewer is almost certain that the two will tear into each other at any moment.  But they don't.  This isn't that kind of movie.  Sure, Brad Pitt throws lots of chairs when he's mad, but this movie isn't about the triumph of violence; it's about the triumph of numbers.

DRIVE

This film is a genre mash-up, a hybrid of an art house film and an action movie.  I think the ideal audience is anyone in the small overlap of fans of both those types of films; in other words, great for me, your mileage may vary.  You get the best of both worlds, unless you are not a fan of one or more of those genres, in which case you get the worst of at least one world and possibly two.  Since it's an art film, you get long takes, deep focus, and meaningful gestures substituting for dialogue; but because it's also an action movie, you get car chases, car crashes, gun fights, knife fights, and at least four scenes that cause the audience to quickly get very loud before they fall very silent.  You could call it an inter-textual/meta-textual minimalist neo-noir, but why not just call it a good time?  Hell, I'd call it a great time.

WARRIOR

The actors here (Tom Hardy, Joel Edgerton, Nick Nolte) are all too talented for this movie to be a total wash but it's definitely underwhelming.  This movie suffers from comparison to The Fighter which is phenomenal, seriously, go watch that instead on Netflix Instant right now; even if it had been twenty years instead of one year, the comparison would be made because of the similar titles and (only vaguely) similar storylines.  The story here concerns a winner take-all mixed martial arts tournament where two of the competitors are, gasp, long lost brothers.  So if you want to see an MMA movie, and you can tolerate a cliched, overwrought and serviceable one in place of a conventionally 'good' one, then this film will work in a pinch.