EDEN LOG (2007)

This pick from Schifty makes me wonder where he finds these movies in the first place; it's not like you can tell Netflix to only show you things that weren't released in theaters.  Or that you only want to watch something if nobody else in the world has seen it.  The only two requirements for a Schifty's Pick are 1) he recommends it to me and 2) I haven't heard of it until he recommends it.  Anyway, this film is a European production, mostly French, but don't worry all the dialogue is in English.  At least all the important dialogue is in English.  After a few minutes of grunting and writhing in the mud with total darkness only occasionally punctuated by a strobe light, the story begins in earnest, with an amnesiac wandering a subterranean power plant full of mutated workers, hunted rebels, and incompetent soldiers.

The whole movie kinda looks the same color, like somebody took a dump in a can of battleship gray paint, and that helps us feel as disoriented as our protagonist, who I will dub Poopman because he doesn't really have a name for almost all the movie.  Poopman is the strong, silent type of hero, and he hardly seems to utter but a few dozen words during his adventure.  Most of the exposition is relayed through video screens or one-sided conversations with cryptic weirdos, which contributes to the overall feeling that the movie is just a collection of cut-scenes for a video game that was never made.  Many of the sound effects also sound like stock video game noises.

Poopman is played by Clovis Cornillac, which would have been a pretty badass name for his character.  It seems Poopman is the key to the mystery of the underground power facility, the giant evil tree that it drains energy from, and the horribly mutated and oppressed workers who eventually rebelled against their overlords; he can also make plants grow at super speed, blacks out conveniently whenever he rapes or kills anybody, and holds his own against super mutants and heavily armed (and armored) security thugs.  Any weaknesses?  Well somebody catches him in a net at one point.  Looks like just a plain old net.  Nets are pretty cool.

A few gigantic plot twists can be expected in a movie where the hero is an amnesiac, and this one does not disappoint in that department.  Once the movie finally gets to the outdoors you'll be excited for any convoluted bullshit that happens, even if it involves CGI that must have been left over from 1996 except for one wide shot that shows knowledge of how to do more with less.  But when the movie chooses to end on the image of a single tear rolling down someone's cheek you might feel that your good will has been exploited.  At least the movie has the honesty to let its end credits be accompanied by a song so lifeless and derivative that it properly represents the film that preceded.